


The Madder, Better World

by labingi



Category: Boku no Chikyuu wo Mamotte | Please Save My Earth
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, F/M, Future Fic, M/M, Reincarnation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-01-01
Updated: 2012-01-10
Packaged: 2017-10-29 04:23:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/315783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/labingi/pseuds/labingi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You know, when you're a kid, they tell you it's all, grow up. Get a job. Get married. Get a house. Have a kid, and that's it. Ah. But the truth is, the world is so much stranger than that. It's so much darker. And so much madder. And so much better."  -<i>Doctor Who</i>.</p><p>Future fic for the anime (AU for the manga): the tangled relationships of seven reincarnated aliens are not easy to untangle.  This fic focuses on Issei, Jinpachi, and Sakura.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part 1--Losing Friends

**Author's Note:**

> Splitting the difference between manga and anime timelines, I'm assuming our characters were born in 1975 and run the years of their lives from their freshman year in college. The fic is currently on hiatus at chapter 18, but I intend it to be ongoing as inspiration strikes. While it takes some facts from the manga, it is fundamentally based on the anime as a standalone story. Originally begun in 2006.

**1993 [Our heroes are 18.]**

Issei wasn’t sure when things changed. He liked kissing Sakura. After dating her for almost a year, it was comfortable. Then, suddenly, it all got... messy.

They were sitting on her bed--her parents away for the weekend--and somehow she got her shirt off almost without taking her tongue out of his mouth. Then her bra was on the floor, and when her hair wasn’t blocking his view, he could see that she had nice breasts... _really_ nice... nicer than his--Enju’s. His eyes kept slipping back to them. She probably wanted him to touch them. But he wasn’t eager to.

And he wasn’t keen at all on the way she was going after his belt buckle.

He pulled back, resting his hands on her arms. “Sakura, I... think I’m sort of gay.”

For a moment, she just stared with that indignant “you’re impossible, Enju-kun” look. Then, slowly her eyes narrowed, and her face turned bright red. She grabbed her shirt off the floor, yanked it on, and stalked out.

The door clicked behind her.

Issei sat on the bed, thinking dully, _This is her house. I should be the one leaving. She forgot her bra._

The door flew open.

“You are unbelievable, Issei-kun!” she shouted. “I just don’t _believe_ what I’m hearing! I thought we were through with this. I thought you’d finally grown up and gotten over your stupid-- You never change, do you? You just have to be a miserable, moaning little kicked puppy. Again. _Again!_ For the rest of your life! Get it through your heard: He does not love you. And you... and me....” She gave one of her inarticulate roars. “Get out! Get out of my house! _Get out!_ ”

Issei got up hurriedly, not daring to look at her, and made for the door. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled.

“ _Get out!_ ” She slammed the bedroom door behind him.

He put on his shoes as fast as he could and went out into the night, dazed and broken and relieved.

* * *

It was not a conversation he wanted to have with Jinpachi. He avoided him for three days, not too difficult on the college campus. He thought about calling Sakura. But she wasn’t shy about calling; if she hadn’t called him, she needed more time. Or that’s what he decided to tell himself.

On the fourth day, he forgot he was avoiding his haunts and ate lunch under his usual tree, which was where Jinpachi found him.

“Hey.” Jinpachi plopped on the grass beside him. “Where have you been hiding?”

“Cafeteria,” said Issei truthfully.

“You hate the cafeteria!”

“Mm-hm.” He couldn’t look at Jinpachi either.

There was a silence. “Are you okay?”

 _Come on, look at him._ Issei managed a glance. “Sakura and I broke up.”

“No way! It was just a fight, right? All couples fight.”

Jinpachi always radiated warmth, life. Suddenly, Issei liked looking at him. “No, it was the big one.”

“But you two, you’re so perfect. You’re, like, best friends. You--” Jinpachi sat forward, serious. “Listen, you two, you have it. Don’t throw it away.”

Issei’s throat was tight. Dear, good, dense Jinpachi. Issei wanted to hug him but was exquisitely aware that this conversation was not the time.

“I--Jinpachi, it’s not like we’re never going to be friends again--she and I. Because you’re right: what we have isn’t something we can throw away--though she’s not speaking to me at the moment.” He managed a halfhearted smile. “But she will. But we can’t go on dating.”

“Why?” Yeah, there was the inevitable note of apprehension.

 _Well, Issei, you can say it now, or you can say it later._ “Basically because I’m gay.”

Silence again. Silence from Sakura, silence from Jinpachi. The silence of the wheels turning.

“Um,” attempted Jinpachi at last, “I thought that you had, um...”

“Moved on? Fallen in love with Sakura? Gotten over you?”

“Uh--”

Issei cut him off. “I’m not talking about you, Jinpachi. I’m talking about me. I’m just not attracted to women.”

Jinpachi was watching him too closely. “So you mean you just want to... date other guys.”

“I’m just out a relationship actually. Don’t really want to date anyone right now. But, yeah, I guess... if I met someone nice....”

Jinpachi drew a deep breath. “And I thought I had trouble meeting interesting girls. All I can say is, good luck with finding gay men who get what it’s like to come from the Moon.”

Issei laughed. “You might be surprised.”

Jinpachi echoed his laugh uneasily.

“So,” said Issei, “is that... okay?”

“Okay?”

“That I’m gay. Is that okay with you?”

“Yeah.” Jinpachi kept his eyes on the grass. “Yeah, of course, it’s okay.”

* * *

On the sixth day Issei gave in and called Sakura. Her mother didn’t ask who was on the line but just told him to hang on a minute.

It felt like more than a minute before her voice came brusquely, “Sakura.”

Everything he’d planned to say went flying out of his head. “Hi... It’s me.”

“Oh, it’s _her_.” He could almost see the sarcasm dripping. “Mother thought it was you. And how are you today, Enju?”

 _At least, she’s speaking to me._ “I just wanted to see how you’re doing.”

For several long seconds, there was silence. Then her voice came surprisingly even. “You know, the thing that gets me is you know exactly how I’m doing. You used me... exactly the way that Gyokuran used you--okay, not the sex part, but it’s the same idea--and you know exactly how it feels.”

And he did. Every word stuck like a pin through the heart. “I’m sorry.”

“Well gee, that’s okay then. What I don’t understand is this: since you know just how it feels, why the hell would you do that to me?” Her voice rose up a notch. “How could you do that to _me_ , Enju-kun? I thought you were my friend. I thought you were my best friend!”

He could feel the tears at the back of throat and devoutly wished his family’s phone wasn’t out in the hallway where his parents might see. “I didn’t--I don’t--I thought--I was just trying to move on, like everybody said I should.” _Like you said I should often enough._ “Shusuran, I never meant to hurt you.”

“Oh, you are impossible! I can’t deal with this right now.” There was sharp click.

As he hung up the phone, his mother peaked out from the kitchen. “Did she hang up on you, Issei? Don’t worry, you’ll get back together. I’ve never seen such a cute couple.”

Not in a million, billion years could he tell his mother the truth--not the “gay” truth, to say nothing of the “I was an alien” truth. He just nodded and went to his room.

* * *

Now, it was Jinpachi’s turn to avoid Issei. On campus, Issei hung out in all the usual places; Jinpachi was conspicuous in his absence. Two or three years ago, before the “Moon” became real, Issei would have just called him--called him anytime, no second thoughts. But now, it was all a calculation--second guesses. What would Jinpachi think? What did he want--or not want--from Issei these days?

When he hadn’t seen Jinpachi for a week, he decided to track him down at the zoo helping his brother. It wasn’t hard to find him. He was around the penguin enclosure, as usual on Sunday after lunch. He stood by the railing, grinning like a kid at the penguins slipping and sliding--which was a little bit strange because he saw them all the time.

Then it clicked in: he was with that girl standing next to him, someone Issei didn’t recognize. Pretty. Petite. Leaning into Jinpachi’s arm. Issei had mild urge to smack her. But it wasn’t her fault. Maybe she was really nice, maybe just what Jinpachi needed. He watched them laughing and talking, until as they turned to go, Jinpachi’s eyes fell on his face. Issei spun away and did his best to disappear into the crowd.

* * *

That evening, Sakura called him. “I’m going to be blunt,” she said. “You really hurt me.”

“I’m sor--”

“Shut up. I’m talking. I know you didn’t mean to. I know you’d never do that to me on purpose. Look, Enju-kun, I’m still your friend, but I just can’t talk to you right now. I just need some time to get my... to get life and stuff -- life stuff together.” He could hear the tears in her voice at the end. That was as close as Shusuran ever got to bawling. Shusuran. Was it wrong to think of her that way again?

“Okay,” he said. “I understand.”

“So just don’t call me. I’ll call you... in a while, okay?”

“Okay.”

She clicked off without saying goodbye. But it felt like one.

* * *

The next day, when he was getting out of Comparative Anatomy class, he was waylaid by Jinpachi.

“Issei.” Jinpachi’s face was rigid.

“Hi.”

Jinpachi motioned him out the door, away from crowd. “Why were you stalking me at the zoo?”

“I wasn’t stalking you! I just came to say ‘hi,’ and I saw you were with someone, so I left.”

Jinpachi nodded as if he more-or-less accepted that explanation.

A surge of anger rose in Issei. “And you ought to know better.”

“Okay. I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions.”

“You should jump to the right conclusions. You should know me better than that.”

“Okay!” Jinpachi flashed him a glare as they walked out toward the lawn. Then he drew a deep breath. “I wanted to tell you... I got a scholarship to study in America. At Cornell.”

Issei stopped in his tracks, his heart plummeting into his shoes. After a moment, he managed, “How long?”

“Probably three years, till I get my degree.”

 _Three years!_ “You’ll come back to visit?”

Jinpachi gave a good impression of sincere smile. “Over three years? Sure.”

The ground felt very far away. “It’s because of me, isn’t it?”

“You think highly of yourself,” Jinpachi snapped.

Issei’s anger flared again. _Sure. Why wouldn’t I with all reasons you’ve given me to think highly of myself ?_ But it was obvious. Jinpachi wasn’t leaving on account of Issei. He was leaving on account of Alice--because he couldn’t bear to see her at the university and know he’d never have her.

“Sorry,” he heard Jinpachi mutter.

Issei cleared his throat. “You still love her.”

An awkward silence stretched between them. “Yeah, well, a lost cause doesn’t get less lost just because it’s, um, lost.”

Issei smiled. “Many a true word. Mostly ‘lost.’”

Jinpachi managed a little laugh. “Yeah, we’ve mostly lost.” Another silence. “But seriously, it’ll be a good move for my career. Cornell's a really major school.”

“Yeah. Yeah, it is. Congratulations.”

Silence.

Jinpachi shifted his feet. “Will you be okay?”

“I’m not an invalid.”

“I’ll write.”

Issei nodded. _You will. But it doesn’t matter. You’re already gone. You’ve been gone a long time. Ever since..._ “Are you afraid of me because I kissed you?”

“No.” Jinpachi glanced around to see if anyone was nearby.

“Really?”

Jinpachi took another furtive glance and, then, with a desperate quickness, bent down and brushed his lips--well, more like the corner of his mouth. Enough to leave Issei flustered and flushed to the ears.

But Jinpachi was already walking away.


	2. Enduring Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 1: Jinpachi comes home from three years studying abroad. Issei is there to meet him, Alice to catch up with him awkwardly. Part 2: Jinpachi and Issei reconnect a couple years later.

**1996 [Our heroes are 21.]**

With that damn headache building behind his eyes, Jinpachi couldn’t focus on much but waiting for the plane to touch down. To be home at last in Japan, home in Tokyo--it had been a year since he’d been back to visit his family. It felt like forever since he’d really been home. Home to stay.

Miraculously, his flight arrived early. The headache started to fade as soon as he stepped off the plane, a relief replaced almost at once by an annoying, unshakable anxiety.

It had been stupid to ask Issei to meet him at the airport. He should have asked his brother. He’d known it would look weird--not to his family but to Issei. He might get the wrong idea. Things were so much simpler when they’d just been friends.

 _Should have kept it simple,_ he scolded himself as he collected his baggage.

 _But friends pick up friends at the airport, don’t they?_ And that’s what they were again now, right? Just friends. They’d barely seen each in three years. Issei _had_ to be over that whole high school thing. For all Jinpachi knew, he had a boyfriend he was perfectly happy with. Maybe he’d even decided he liked girls after all. Maybe he was back with Sakura. Jinpachi’s heart leapt at the prospect. That would make everything simple again.

Then he saw him, reading a magazine in the lobby. Was it that empathy thing that made Issei look up almost the moment Jinpachi spotted him?

Jinpachi felt a catch in his chest. There was that face, still strangely like Enju’s, Enju’s eyes looking out of that face. And he remembered why he’d asked Issei to meet him.

Issei rose as Jinpachi came toward him.

It wasn’t _Enju_ he missed exactly--but to be with someone who’d shared that life, someone to assure him it wasn’t just some dark, bizarre dream. It had happened. They both knew; they were there.

He dropped his suitcases and scooped Issei into a tight embrace. _Now he’ll really get the wrong idea._ But the thought had no force against the relief that flooded through him at the feel of Issei’s arms around him. At the solid ground beneath his feet.

Home. Home in Japan.

In the same city as Alice... who wasn’t married to Rin yet. But it was only a matter of time. His throat constricted. But he wasn’t going to _cry_ about it. He _was not_ going to stand here in airport and cry.

Still hugging Issei. _Damn, people will think we’re gay._

He pulled away, catching Issei in shy, glancing smile, an Enju smile.

“Is this all your stuff?” Issei nodded at the suitcases.

“Yeah. Let’s get to the train.”

* * *

The plan was for Jinpachi to stay over at Issei’s apartment (another stupid, send-the-wrong-signals move) and then go to his parents’ place the next day. Sending signals notwithstanding, he was glad when they got to Issei’s place.

He threw his stuff in a corner and collapsed on an old, springless couch.

“You want dinner?” asked Issei, heading for the kitchen.

“Huh?” Jinpachi glanced at his watch. “I guess it is dinnertime. I feel like it’s the middle of the night or something.”

“Is that a ‘no’?”

“Something light?” Jinpachi hauled himself up and moved to the kitchen table. It looked like a card table: pretty makeshift. He took a chair, watching Issei go through his fridge. _He’s cooking for me. Just like a girl._ “Can I help?”

“I got it.” He was making a salad. “So what’s the final assessment of America?”

“The trains suck. Otherwise: big. No wonder they don’t learn foreign languages--it’s like there’s no one around but Americans for thousands and thousands of miles. It’s... kind of oppressive.”

Issei looked surprised. “Yeah?”

“I don’t mean the society; I mean... always being a foreigner. Being so far from home.”

Issei shot him a searching look. “Sounds like it was time you came home.”

Jinpachi dropped his eyes. “What about you? How have things been?”

“Okay.” He laid out bowls and chopsticks. “I finally got a real job, just two weeks ago actually: at a robotics firm.”

“That’s weird.”

“No kidding. It’s not remotely my field. That’s the economy for you. But you learn a lot of anatomy in paleontology, and that transfers pretty well into robotics. And that alien technical training really does come in handy.”

“Tell me about it. At Cornell, I did this computer model reconstructing Troy--and it was really basic, but everyone kept asking me if all Japanese people were such whizzes with computers.” A warmth was spreading through Jinpachi. It was almost like old times, before the dreams. It was almost as close as sharing the dreams, before they got...

Issei set the salad on the table and sat opposite Jinpachi. An awkward silence followed as they served themselves.

“So... how are the others?” Jinpachi asked. “Are you still in touch?”

He thought he heard Issei sigh. “Yeah. Everyone’s pretty much fine. Haruhiko’s been a bit weak lately--but that comes and goes.” He paused. “Alice--did you keep in touch with Alice?”

“No.”

“She’s working at an arboretum.”

Jinpachi smiled; he could her talking to the trees with her eyes. “Of course, she is.” He hesitated. “Is she still in Tokyo?”

“Yeah.”

 _Naturally. She may not be a city girl, but she’ll be here as long as Rin’s still at school here. Anything for Rin._

“Sakura just got back from a semester in France.”

Lost in thoughts of Alice and Rin, Jinpachi had to replay that last sentence before it made sense. “Oh. You and she... you never got back together?”

Issei frowned at him. “You ought to know the answer to that question.”

“Excuse me for not being the mind reader.”

Issei shook his head. “You’re right. No. We’re not getting back together. We’re just not.”

Jinpachi twiddled a chopstick. “So, um, is there someone else?”

“No, dammit, there’s no one else.”

Jinpachi caught himself staring and stared at his salad instead.

“What about you?” said Issei. “Is there someone in America or...?”

“No. I mean, yeah. I mean, I dated people in America. There was this one girl, Shannon, I was with for, oh, not quite a year. But we broke up. It would have been stupid to try to keep something going once I was back in Japan.”

“It’s a long trip,” Issei agreed.

“Look, I’m not insinuating... I’m just trying to figure out where we stand.”

“I know.”

Jinpachi pushed his bowl away in exasperation and leaned back in his chair. “Yes, you always _know_ , don’t you? You’re very profound, Issei. Congratulations. I’m the dumb-ass.”

Issei stared at him, chopsticks suspended just above his bowl. “What is your problem?”

“My problem?” He laughed, then realized he didn’t have an answer for that, not one he could put into words. “I get tired of... running in circles. I’m tired of everything being crazy. I’m tired of nobody damn well _getting_ it. I just--I can’t believe our planet is gone.” Man, that came out sounding lame. “And dammit, the only people I can ever talk to are--” _Come on, stop falling apart,_ he ordered himself. Angry, he stood and crossed to the window. It looked out over a cramped parking lot. “They pay you well at the robotics firm?”

“Okay. I haven’t got my first paycheck yet.”

“That explains a lot.”

“You can talk to me.” Issei hadn’t moved from the table, which Jinpachi found oddly comforting.

His eye strayed to the chipped paint by the window. “I guess you scrimped to get through college. Your family help out much?”

“My father disowned me.”

Without thinking about it, Jinpachi had known that was coming. “I’m sorry.” _It’s on account of me, because he was in love with me. Because Enju came back as a man to be with me, and it all backfired._

“It isn’t your fault,” said Issei. That empathy thing could be extremely creepy. “Jinpachi, you _can_ talk to me.”

With a force of will, Jinpachi faced him. “I need you to understand: I don’t want to sleep with you. But you’re all I have.”

For a second, Issei looked dumbfounded. Then, slowly he broke into a laugh, shaking from head to toe. “Oh, Jinpachi, you do have a way with words.”

Jinpachi flushed. “That came out wrong. I mean--I didn’t mean I want to... _because_ you’re all I have. I meant, I don’t want _that_ , but I do--I need, I guess, you to be my friend.”

Issei stood, serious now. “I know. I know what you mean.” Crossing to Jinpachi, he put an arm around him and Jinpachi leaned against him, feeling finally they might be on the same page.

“I am so tired,” Jinpachi whispered.

“Jet lag.”

“Yeah.” He pulled himself upright. “Can I just crash on the couch for a while?”

“Of course.”

That was good. No expectations. No signals. Maybe they could be “just friends” again.

* * *

Jinpachi spent a week settling in and pretending he really needed to get a head start on the reading for his graduate program before he got up the guts to visit Alice.

 _Bad idea,_ he kept telling himself. _Bad for her, bad for you._ Issei kept giving him this look that said, _Leave it alone._

But he had left it alone. For more than three years, he hadn’t spoken to Alice, hadn’t written, had hardly even asked Issei for news. And sure, there’d been times he hadn’t thought about her much--just like you gradually stop dwelling on someone who’s died. But she wasn’t dead. And now he was back in this city with her, she was glowing in his mind again, and he had to see her.

She still lived with her parents in the same apartment complex as Rin. He couldn’t go there, not in the evening when Rin would be hovering around, so he went to the arboretum where she worked. After asking a couple of her colleagues for directions, he found her behind a greenhouse on her knees, talking to a hydrangea.

He smiled, warmed to the core. She never changed. There she was in jeans and dirt-stained blouse with black hair a little shorter and clipped back behind her eyes. She was nothing like Mokuren yet was absolutely Mokuren.

The universe converged on her without her ever realizing.

He stood watching her, forgetting to announce his presence, till she sensed him and glanced up with those innocent, wide eyes.

She bolted to her feet. “Jinpachi-kun--I mean, Jinpachi. You--you’re back from America.”

Jinpachi realized he had nothing to say. Or rather, there was so much, but none of it could be said. “Yeah, I got back a week ago. I thought I’d say hi. It’s good to see you, Sakaguchi-san.” In his mind, she’d been “Alice” for a long time, but he couldn’t bring himself to call her that.

She took him completely by surprise by lunging into his arms, pressing her cheek against his chest. “I thought you weren’t coming back.”

His heart contracted, like a paper folded up into tiny, tight squares. It hurt, feeling her arms around him, his arms around her. Her hair smelled like wet leaves. She was still with Rin, wasn’t she? He couldn’t hope?

He pulled away because he had to. “So, how’s Rin-kun?”

She was gazing at him brightly. “He’s fine--he wishes he was old enough for high school.”

Jinpachi forced a laugh. “He should cheer up. He’s what, twelve now? That means you two can get married in less then ten years.”

Alice blushed and smiled. “Mm-hm.”

 _Mm-hm._ Yeah, he’d known there was no hope. But it still made his heart shrivel up even tighter.

Alice was looking down awkwardly now. Alice. Not Mokuren, it struck him suddenly. Yes, they were the same soul and had the same love of the Earth and... and they had a lot of things in common. But Alice wasn’t Mokuren, wasn’t really _that much_ like her. She didn’t have her flair, her confidence. It didn’t matter. Jinpachi loved her. Alice. He always had, before he’d even guessed she was Mokuren.

He almost blurted it but stopped himself. “I, uh, it’s great to see you.”

She looked up. “You too. Are you going to stay in Tokyo?”

“For now. It’ll depend on where I get a job.”

She smiled again. “Good. We should--we should stay in touch.”

“Yeah. I guess we all should.” Could she feel him eating her with his eyes? Or did she think he was over her? No. She had to know. She was bright red. “I’ve got to get going. Job interview,” he lied. “But, yeah, we should stay in touch.”

She nodded.

“Great to see you,” he repeated and waved and walked away, a burning ball of lead where his heart should be. Stupid, pointless exercise in self-flagellation.

And he wouldn’t have missed it for the world.

* * *

Jinpachi spent the afternoon in a daze, the glow of her eyes dancing after him. But as evening wore on, he sputtered like a top spinning down, till he was just sitting listless in his room surrounded by half-unpacked suitcases.

Her face was still before him, but now it was a wall.

He didn’t want to love Alice. It wasn’t pleasant. In high school, at first, it had been exciting. He’d dreamed of having a future with her, like Gyokuran had dreamed of Mokuren. But there was no future; there was only her in his head, stubbornly refusing to let any other woman measure up.

Night fell without his noticing.

In the dark, he heard a swish of clothes, someone stopping by his door. He glanced at his clock: past dinner.

“I’m not really hungry, Mother,” he called. “Just save me some leftovers, okay?”

The door cracked open. “It’s me,” came Issei’s voice.

Issei. Shit, they were supposed to go a concert tonight. “Crap, it’s already started, hasn’t it?” He jumped up and rifled through his closet. “I completely forgot, but just give me a sec and we can still get there in time for--”

“It’s okay.” Issei closed the door behind him.

Jinpachi stopped rifling and turned to him. “Please don’t say it’s okay.”

Issei shrugged. “It’s not a big deal. I didn’t have my heart set on it.”

“That’s not the fucking point. It’s always the same damn thing. For two lifetimes, I’ve been doing this shit to you, and you’ve been saying, ‘Oh, it’s okay.’ Have you ever considered latching on to someone who doesn’t treat you like crap?” He flopped back in his chair.

“Yeah, I tried dating Sakura.”

“Why the hell aren’t you mad at me?”

Issei sighed and sank to the floor, leaning back against Jinpachi’s dresser. “Because it’s just you being you. I can’t be mad at you for being who you are.” He paused, gazing past Jinpachi, his face pale in the street lamp. “Because... you get mad at yourself. That’s the difference between you and Gyokuran. He really didn’t get it, what he did to me. He didn’t see... But you do. You see me.”

“I haven’t given you a goddamn thought all day.”

“Yeah, but you’re angry at yourself for it.”

Jinpachi passed a weary hand over his eyes. “Actually, I’m mostly angry about Alice. I wish I could get the hell over her. It just embarrasses her. And it makes my life one long, drawn-out hell.”

“It’s that bad?”

“Damn well is tonight.” He paused. “I--Gyokuran was friends with Shion, you know? We were friends ever since we were kids. Until Mokuren. By the end, we detested each other. I still detest him; I want to break his smug little cutesy face.” He fell silent, tired, staring into the gloom. Then a new thought occurred. “I guess that must be how you feel.”

“That I want to break your cutesy face?”

Jinpachi smirked. “That you wish you could get over me, stop taking all this shit from me.”

“It’s not the same. Because you don’t--you aren’t with anyone else. There’s still a place for me.”

Jinpachi was flattered and angry all at once. “Yeah well, if I ever do get over Alice, I don’t intend to stay single forever.”

“I know. And it scares the living daylights out of me.” Jinpachi felt more than saw Issei's faint smile.

But it wasn’t funny. “You just can’t leave it alone, can you? What ever happened to dating other guys? What ever happened to ‘it’s not about you, Jinpachi; it’s about me,’ huh?”

“I’d tried,” Issei snapped. “You think I didn’t try all those years you were gone? I’ve out on more damn dates than I can count. One guy, I went out with him for four months. I even slept with him. But there was nothing between us. It was just me pretending it wasn’t still about you.”

Jinpachi scoffed. “You are so sad, you know that. I despise the way you cling.” He sat forward to punctuate his point. “I despise it. You need to get over this thing.”

Issei glared at him. “I don’t want to.”

From a certain angle, the whole thing was hilarious. Jinpachi gave a long, bitter laugh. "What do you think you’re going to get from me? What do you want?"

“I have no clue what I’ll get!” barked Issei. “More heartbreak.” He surged to his feet. Then he stopped, quiet.

Jinpachi looked up at him dully.

Issei sat on the corner of the bed, just a few feet from Jinpachi. “What I want: I want to be the one who makes you happy. I want to be the one you turn to. You used to, when I was Enju.”

“Enju was a woman.”

“Which is why--I strongly suspect--her existence as a _person_ never registered with you.”

Jinpachi could feel the blood drain from his face. “What the hell does that mean? Enju did ‘register with me.’ It’s not as if I didn’t know that you--that she was there. It’s not as if I saw her as nothing but a sex toy.”

“But that’s exactly what you--”

“I did not.”

“Well, that’s what it felt like.”

Jinpachi looked away. That wasn’t fair. Gyokuran hadn’t been a good boyfriend to Enju; he knew that. But he hadn’t been that bad. He’d liked her; he’d been close to her.

“The bizarre thing,” Issei went on, “is that now everything is precisely the reverse. You won’t touch me. You’re terrified to.”

“Fuck off.”

“But underneath it all, you _care_ about me. You know me now. And as much as sometimes I miss with all my heart making love to you the way I used to as her, I wouldn’t trade this life, this body for anything. Because you’d never be friends with a woman like that. I prayed to come back as a man so that sex wouldn’t get in the way and we could be friends. Well, the sex got in the way. But I was right all the same; we needed this to be real friends.”

Jinpachi was keenly conscious of hating his own existence. He could think of nothing he’d like to do less than be a grown man sitting in his childhood room, pining for a girl he couldn’t have, talking to this _guy_ about how they used to make love as aliens on the Moon, and deeply hoping his parents weren’t overhearing this. “You make me sound like some sort of sexist bastard. That’s really how you see me? That’s how you think I think of Alice?”

From the corner of his eye, he could Issei lean back a little. “No. No, it’s not that. It’s just that certain guys--most guys I guess--just form a certain type of closeness, of friendship with other guys. It’s the same with girls. I don’t think Enju and Shusuran would been the same friends if one of them had been a man.”

“The way you’re not friends with Sakura?”

“Well, that’s all kinds of complicated.”

Jinpachi laughed tiredly and glanced at Issei to see him smiling in return.

The smile ebbed. “And Jinpachi, it is worth giving up the sex. What we have, it’s worth it. You think--don’t try to tell me you don’t--you think I’m trying to get you into bed. And I’d love to. I would. But that’s so low down the list of things I need from you. Want from you.”

“And what you need most is, what, to make me happy, you said?”

Issei shook his head as if searching for words. “Just don’t turn away from me again.”

Jinpachi stared at him. Okay. If he wanted to be turned to: “What am I going to do? Am I going to be miserable over her forever?”

“No.”

“Because someday I’ll meet Miss Right?”

“Because someday you’ll learn how not to be miserable.”

 _Thanks for nothing._ Jinpachi sighed.

“Can I stay?” Issei blurted. “On the floor--tonight?”

Jinpachi thought about “sending signals” and discovered that all that seemed irrelevant and tiring. “Yeah, sure.”

“Really?” Genuine surprise in his voice.

“Yeah, why not?” _I’m not “terrified” of you._ “Issei. You _are_ my best friend.”

“Yeah? That is why _I’m_ not miserable.”

* * *

 **1998 [our heroes are 23 years old]**

 _They’re probably having sex. Alice and Rin._ Jinpachi lay on his back in the grass and looked up at the trees without seeing them. _Sure, he’s only fourteen, but it’s not like he’s really fourteen. She’d want to put it off, but he’d convince her it’s okay--has convinced her, I bet. Just like Shion. Could get anything out of Mokuren. What the hell did she see in him?_

 _Meanwhile, here’s me..._

“Wow, these lilies are red but their auras are green!”

 _... dating her._ Reluctantly, Jinpachi turned toward the lilies. “Yuko, do you see anything that doesn’t have an aura?”

She sat a meter or so away, admittedly adorable in the Black Miniskirt. But after eight months, he really didn’t care anymore. “Nope.” She stretched out on the grass alongside him. “Everything has some aura, like Shinto spirits. Everything has a spirit.”

That sort of sounded like something Alice might say--but... off somehow, like when it came from Yuko it was all fake New Age...

She was staring at him, measuring him. “Do you have to be in such a bad mood all the time, Jinpachi?”

“Sorry.” It wasn’t going to work. He’d known that for a long time--maybe since the beginning--but he’d hoped he found someone who could understand. She didn’t, though--or not enough. Or he just wasn’t in love with her. He always hated this part. “I think we need to stop seeing each other.”

She froze, looking at him. “Just like that?” she said softly.

He sat up. “We both know things have been going downhill for a while.”

“So we just call it off?” She sat up too. “What ever happened to trying to work things through? When you’re in a couple, you have bad times. You work things through.”

“When it’s worth working them through.”

“Oh, suddenly it’s not worth it? You’re telling me I’ve wasted eight months of my life on you?”

He really, really hated this part. “Looks like.” He moved to stand.

“Wait.” She put a hand on his arm. “It’s one in a million that we found each other,” she said in that soft, serious voice he’d found so sexy in the beginning. “You know how long I prayed to meet a guy who doesn’t think I’m crazy because I see auras? Yeah, you do--just about as long as you’ve been looking for girl who doesn’t think you’re crazy for being a reincarnated alien. And I don’t. We’re different. We’re special.”

He had to look at her then, at her cute little round face that he used to think was charming. “Yeah, we’re special. But it’s not enough, Yuko. I’ve got ‘specialness’ in common with Daisuke, but I’m not about to date him.”

“So you’re saying dating me has been like dating some stick-in-the-mud, science-obsessed _guy_?”

“No, I--that came out wrong.” He took her hand. “Look, it was great. Seriously. We had lots of fun. It just wasn’t meant to be a long-term thing.”

She was nodding, stiffly and automatically, like a machine. “I should have known. Dammit, I should know better,” she said under her breath. “When I have to work as hard as I work with you every damn day, it’s not worth it. You’re not worth it. I can do better.” There were tears in her eyes. He hated that part too, but at least she wasn’t breaking down and sobbing.

“Yeah, you can,” he said. “Sorry it took us so long to... figure it out.”

“Yeah, whatever.” She got to her feet, wiping her nose. “Don’t call me.”

 _Why would I?_

“You’re a bastard, you know that, Ogura? No wonder you can’t hang on to a girlfriend.”

He didn’t reply. He just wanted her to go away. And she did.

* * *

So he went to see Issei. Because that’s what he did when he fucked up his life. _That’s what Gyokuran did, and the tradition lives on._ He waited till after dinner, when Issei should be back from his afternoon with his sister. Then, he dropped by his apartment.

“Hey.” Issei let him in and wandered back toward his kitchen. “I thought you were out with Yuko today.”

“We broke up.”

Issei turned and gazed at him. “Oh. Sorry?”

Jinpachi kicked off his shoes and threw himself into a chair. “You never liked her.”

“Not much, but that’s just because I’m petulant and jealous.” He disappeared into the kitchen.

“You had dinner?”

“Washing up.”

“Oh, leave the wash--” Belatedly it struck him what he ought to say. “Hang on, I’ll help.” He plodded in and grabbed a towel.

Issei raised an eyebrow but didn’t comment. A few moments passed in silence.

“I’ve gotta learn to do better,” said Jinpachi, drying a cup. “How come you don’t use your dishwasher?”

“I think you’re already very skillful at drying dishes. And because my mother never used hers.”

Jinpachi smirked. “Better at dating, you dork.”

“Better at finding the right girlfriends or at being a boyfriend?”

“Both I guess.”

They did the rest of Issei’s few dishes without speaking.

“Are you sad about it?” Issei asked at last.

“Aren’t you the empath?”

“I can’t really feel you,” he said quietly and preceded Jinpachi back to the living room.

Jinpachi leaned back on the couch, feet on the coffee table. “The thing that sucks is that she’s the only person I’ve ever gone out with who I knew I could tell about the Moon. I thought, ‘This is it, man,’ even though I was never... well, never madly in love with her, I thought it would all come in time, just because she was one of us weirdos. It’s your fault you know.”

Issei, at the other end of the couch, just raised an eyebrow again.

“Remember a year or two ago, you kept giving me this line about how there had to be people out there--like Mikuro--who were just weird enough not to think we’re all crazy. And all we had to do was find them.”

“I don’t think I said that was _all._ ”

“Yeah? Probably not,” said Jinpachi absently, picturing Yuko’s little round face and thinking it actually had been cute, pretty lips...

“Why are you here?”

That brought him back to himself. “What do you mean?”

“What do you want from me?”

Jinpachi sat up and shook his head. “Just--we’re friends, aren’t we? Just to talk.”

Issei was frowning at him hard. “You always do this. You find someone new and you practically forget I exist, and then you break up with her and--bam!--you’re here.”

“I don’t forget you exist,” said Jinpachi.

Issei shook his head.

“I don’t,” Jinpachi insisted. “I guess I--I get careless sometimes... about, you know, your feelings. But I don’t forget you.”

Issei drew a shaking breath. “I don’t know how much longer I can do this.”

“Do what?”

“Be your shoulder to cry on between girls.”

“Is that some sort of ultimatum?”

“No,” said Issei sincerely. “No, it’s really not. It’s just... how I feel. You know, feelings--that stuff you tend to ‘get careless’ about.”

“I-- I know I-- I should go. I shouldn’t put you in this position.” He stood.

And Issei was beside him. “No, don’t go. That isn’t really what I want.”

 _I know what you want._

Issei sighed. “I’m sorry.”

 _God, he’s apologizing for letting me hurt him._ “No, Issei, I’m the doofus.”

“Well, yeah, but you’ve had a bad day, and I _am_ being jealous and petulant when you just need someone to talk to.”

 _You give so much to me: more than anyone in my whole life._

 _More than Alice, more than Mokuren._

His heart surged into his throat. Without reflecting, he grabbed Issei’s arms and kissed him.

Issei stumbled back. “What the hell was that?”

Jinpachi didn’t have an answer. “I just-- you’re here--”

A laugh sputtered out of Issei. “I’m here. That’s it, huh? You’re finally desperate enough you’ll settle for this body?”

“It isn’t like that.” What was it like? Like being a balloon about to burst. “There are just... all these feelings...”

“You’re rebounding; that’s all.”

Those words cut a thin red line through Jinpachi. He deserved Issei’s anger, but not condescension. “Yeah, well. You always were my rebound girl.”

He regretted it the moment he said it.

Issei stood still and stared at him, mouth open. After several seconds, he said, “I think you’re right; you’d better go.”

“I’m sorry. That wasn’t what I meant to--”

“It was exactly what you meant.” Issei’s voice was low and cold. Was Enju’s ever like that? Had she ever turned away from him the way Issei was turning now?

“Issei.” Jinpachi seized his shoulder. “It isn’t like that. I love you.”

Issei looked up at him with big, hurt eyes. “Don’t play games.”

“That is the one thing I have never done with you.” He slipped his hand around Issei’s back. “I love you. You’re the best friend I have in the world.”

He kissed him again, slowly this time, some little voice in the back of his head saying, _What are you doing, Ogura? You don’t want this do you? You don’t want him; you’re not gay._ And the voice was right, but he wasn’t listening.

Now Issei kissed him back, sliding his arms around him. Was this the way Enju had kissed him? Yes, it was, with gentle, persistent lips and the barest tip of her tongue. It was Enju, right down to the way that Issei’s left hand rested high on his back and the right hand low. _It’s not so strange: I’ve been with her--with him--before._ It was as familiar as yesterday.

Except the proportions were all wrong: their heights too close, those arms too hard.

They stumbled back to the couch and sat, still kissing, knees touching.

He caught his breath when Issei pushed him back against the cushions. For a second, Issei backed off just far enough to look at him--just a glance, then he was kissing his throat.

 _He has me now; he’s not going to give me a chance to back out._ Jinpachi was glad, because given a chance, he might take it. And he didn’t want to. Tomorrow he’d probably wish he had. But now, Issei’s hand on his face, sliding down his neck, was unbelievably sweet.

He was heavier than Enju. In all times he’d thought about doing this with Issei--and he had thought about it; how could he not?--he’d never imagined he’d be on the bottom. Of course, he had been with Enju sometimes. He had been with a lot of girls, but that wasn’t the same as being with a guy.

Through their jeans, he could feel Issei hard against his thigh. That freaked him out: Issei really did want him; he’d been waiting years for this. And what did that mean? Just what were they going to do here?

Anxiety shook him. His own desire slipped a little--slipped more when he felt Issei’s hand fumble with his jeans.

“Issei.” He pushed him back just a little. “I don’t--I’m not-- There are some things I’m not ready to do.”

“It’s okay,” Issei said shortly, whatever the hell that meant. Sitting back, he undid Jinpachi’s pants deftly with both hands, then slipped an arm around his back and kissed him again.

Jinpachi liked the kissing better. It wasn’t so different from being with a woman--with Enju. He was glad they were sitting up now, glad to feel Issei’s lips brush his throat again. Jinpachi was only half erect, but when Issei’s hand closed around him, fire lanced through his body and he heaved against Issei.

 _I should be doing this to him too. He needs it more than I do; he needs this from me._

Hot and awkward, he got Issei’s zip open and tugged his pants down around his hips. Tentatively, he stroked him. Issei gasped and held him close, his head buried against Jinpachi’s shoulder.

Jinpachi had no real desire to touch another man this way. He’d never felt the slightest need to know any man’s body but his own.

But this was Issei--Enju--Issei...

He gave up trying to figure it out and, with his free arm, crushed Issei against him, falling into the raw feeling of flesh against flesh. And there, the press of Issei’s forehead--that was also just like Enju.

With a violent spasm, Issei came into his hand. Messy, but Jinpachi had no strength to care. It was stranger, it was harder to feel Issei go still and calm while Jinpachi strained against him.

It was like being watched.

 _Fine, then. Watch me. Enju did. She wanted to know every corner of me. She wanted to move into my soul. Throw Mokuren out. She wanted to take-- take all of me. She--_

He cried out as he came--and hoped that old couple next door wouldn’t hear-- _and think I’m his boyfriend._ But why should he care? They probably thought so anyway.

He slumped into Issei’s arms, breathing hard. Relieved.

 _Survived._

 _That wasn’t really so scary._

It struck him as funny suddenly that still had all their clothes on. He could feel Issei’s hands rub the cloth of his shirt. Issei lay down and drew Jinpachi on top on him. That felt more natural, if any of this could be called natural. Jinpachi sighed, arms and legs tangled up with Issei, Issei’s fingers in his hair.

After a while, Issei said, “I want you to know I know this doesn’t make us a couple. It didn’t on the Moon. Less now, I guess.”

“Mm.” Jinpachi couldn’t think of anything else to say.

“But I wonder where we go from here.”

“Sleep.”

“Yeah. That’s a good idea.”

* * *

When Jinpachi woke, it was still night, the lamp still on, yellow. Issei was shifting under him.

“Jinpachi, my leg’s asleep.”

Jinpachi sat up, stiff himself from the cramped couch. Wet and sticky, he did up his pants, relieved to see Issei do likewise.

 _Big mistake, the whole thing._ Was it? Was it one big mistake? Was it just like using Enju on the Moon--but kind of gay?

 _And I’m not gay._

Issei was shaking the blood back into his foot, looking rumpled and comical. A smile flitted across Jinpachi’s face. _I do love him. But not like Alice... not even like Enju._

“Issei? I don’t want a retread of Enju and Gyokuran.”

Issei leaned against the couch, resting his arm on its back. “I don’t either.”

“So... what is this?”

“I have no idea.” Issei rested his head against his palm and gazed past Jinpachi. “I know I want to be with you. I know you can’t be happy just being with me. I know that being with me at all makes your life a hell of a lot more complicated.”

Jinpachi slumped on the other side of the couch. “I honestly do want to meet the right girl. I want to settle down; I want to have kids. But I still can’t imagine--can’t _really_ believe--that anyone can replace Alice.”

Issei was watching him darkly.

“And I don’t know how I’ll meet _anyone_ if I’m, you know, sleeping with you.”

After a second, Issei said, “Do you think you could truly love anyone--enough to marry her--who wouldn’t be able to deal with the fact you love Alice and that you slept with me?”

“No,” snapped Jinpachi. “See Point A. I don’t believe I _will_ meet anyone. To really love someone the right way, you have to have honesty. And someone I can be truly honest with will have to accept that I’m in love with another woman, had sex with another man, and--by the way--am the reincarnation of an alien who died on the Moon.”

Issei laughed.

“I was in striking distance of that with Yuko, but I still didn’t love her. Not really. And, incidentally, how many thousands of times have we had this conversation? I’m sick of it.” He paused. “What about you? What do you want? I don’t mean me; I mean out of life, ideally.”

Issei shrugged. “I’d like my father to accept me back into the family: not because I miss him but because every time I see my mother or sister, I feel like I’m risking getting them into trouble. Honestly, I’d kind of like to have kids too. Ideally. But I don’t see that happening. Besides that--and a decent job, which I’ve got--it is you really. I’m sorry.”

There should be something better than this for Issei. “You know, I’m not gay--”

“I know--”

“But this thing with us, it was okay.”

Issei gave him a crooked smile. “‘Okay.’ Well, don’t smother me with flattery.”

“What I mean is, if I can... do okay with man, maybe you would be okay with a woman.”

“If your next sentence contains the word ‘Sakura...’”

“Well?” Jinpachi sat forward. “Maybe you’d have a real shot at happiness. She’s got everything I was just saying I wanted in a woman.”

“Well, maybe you and Sakura--”

“Don’t be stupid.” He stopped, watching Issei: he was looking down, frowning, pensive. “Issei, are the two of you even still friends?”

Issei glanced up at him. “Yeah. Not as close as before we were dating. Not as close as I wish... But yeah. Sort of.”

“She loves you.”

“I love her too--but not like that. Don’t you see? It’s not about whether or not I could function with her body. Yes, I expect I could. But I don’t love her that way. I’m in love with you.”

Those words sliced Jinpachi. “I’m not worth it.”

“Yes, you are.” In a moment, Issei had closed the distance between them and swept Jinpachi into a hug. “You are.”

Jinpachi let his chin sink on Issei’s shoulder. “You really are as obsessive as Enju.”

He felt Issei shake his head. “It isn’t Enju. It’s not Gyokuran. I love you more than I loved Gyokuran. You’re a better person than he was; you’ve learned so much.”

Jinpachi didn’t know what to say to that. It was the last thing he expected to hear. He blinked back tears and held Issei.

After what seemed a long time, he drew a shuddering breath and pulled away. “Issei, I can’t promise you anything.”

Issei was frowning miserably.

“I can’t promise that someday there won’t be some girl that I fall in love with and want a life with. And you know I need women--even just for sex, there have to be women. But right now--right now, you’re the one in my life. You’re the one... right now. Maybe, kind of, by default. I know that sounds shitty, but that’s all I can give you.”

Issei sniffed. “Love takes honesty, eh?” He kissed him softly. “And I love you for that.”


	3. Compatible?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sakura reassesses her relationships.

**1997 [Our heroes are 22.]**

“This is amazing. The CO2 absorption rate of this algal strain has increased by 35 _percent_ over the course of just 112 mitotic cycles.” A flurry of typing followed.

Bored, Sakura tapped her thumb on a Petri dish. “Daisuke, I get the feeling you enjoy your work.”

He paused in his typing and glanced at her across the empty lab. “Well, yeah. With our knowledge of alien science--judiciously applied--we can be an incredible force for good in this world. We just--” He stopped. “Oh. You’re being facetious.” He went back to typing.

Sakura shook her head. “How did you ever survive high school without getting the crap beat out of you?”

“I’m not _that_ much of a dunce. I just get excited about this stuff. It’s important.”

"Is that why you gave up linguistics?"

He looked up at her. "Yeah, it is. Linguistics is fascinating--and it's important work too in its way--but if I can help preserve the Earth itself...” He sighed. "It's going to be bad in the twenty-first century: not 'oh look, our galaxy's just been blown up' bad. But bad. And if I can do something to make it better-- Hey, don't make that face at me. You want to help out too. You're here."

“Yeah, fighting global warming is all very important. But, good grief, you don’t have the tiniest bit of a life!”

“I have a life.” At least he sounded incensed; that was something.

 _That’s a start,_ she thought. “You spend eighty hours a week in your lab.”

“I do not. I have lots of friends.”

“You hobnob at departmental parties, talking about CO2 sequestration.”

“I do not just talk about CO2 sequestration.”

"That's true. You talk about algal photosynthesis too." Sakura hopped off her bench and strode up to him, hands on her hips. “When was the last time you went out on a date?”

“I, uh--”

“Not since high school, I bet. And barely ever then. I bet you’ve never been serious with anyone.”

“I have so.” He paused to save the changes to his document.

“I bet you’re still a virgin.”

“I am not!”

“Oh yeah? Name one girl you’ve slept with.”

“I--well-- Hey, I’m not naming names.” He was grinning, and Sakura was hard pressed not to.

“No names to name,” she baited him.

“If you must know, there’ve been two: I met one in Organic Chemistry and one in Bacteriology.”

She shook an accusing finger at him. “If you’re so good with women, why haven’t you had a girlfriend in at least the past six months? And don’t tell me you have one: I’ve been working with you. You’ve been in the lab at least 82 hours a week.”

He didn’t look so amused now. “Well, that’s your answer. I’m busy.” He turned back to his computer.

“You should try harder to have some sort of personal life.”

“Look,” he snapped, “just because I’m not part of your great chain of unrequited love drama doesn’t mean I don’t have any relationships. I’m just not ready to get married again.”

The silence fell like a thunderclap.

“I meant--” he stammered.

Sakura’s heart was pounding. “Hiragi...” Back on the Moon, she’d known he was married, but she’d never really thought about it... except at the end of the war, when everyone they knew was dead. He’d been so calm.

His eyes were on his computer screen. “I loved my wife, Shu. I loved my kids. It may sound like choosing to spend years on a moon station light years away was a funny way to show it. But that was the... one of the hardest choices I’ve ever had to make.” He paused. “Maybe I made the wrong one.”

Sakura plucked his hand off the table and pressed it in both of her own.

“When I first dreamed of them,” he went on, “I used to wonder if they’d been reincarnated here. But I guess that’s not the way it works. I guess souls travel in proximity...” He trailed off. “I wonder if there was anywhere left for them to be reincarnated.”

“I’m sorry,” said Sakura and hugged him. “It must be lonely.”

He pulled away. “Well, there’s the work.”

“And we do have each other.”

He smiled at her. “You’ve always been a good friend, Sakura. Ever since we were kids in Astronomy Club.”

“What can I say? I’m a science girl.” She went back to her Petri dishes.

* * *

 **1998**

Enju-kun came by Sunday afternoon and surprised her by hugging her: not a quick, "long time no see" hug--though it had been months--but a sort of collapse into her arms like he wanted to melt into her. And that hadn't happened in years, not since...

 _My God, has he come to his senses?_

She could feel his heart beating fast.

Did she dare to hope?

Did she even still want to?

 _It can't be. It's been too long. It's too late for us._

Was it?

 _Maybe he's just hurting because Ogura's treating him like crap again._ Yes, that was it. That was always what it was.

She pulled back a little. "Are you okay?"

He was grinning. "Yeah, I'm okay."

 _Oh God._ She knew that grin. Part of her wanted to laugh. In another part, anger climbed hot and red, as if these antics he went through with Ogura were a personal offense against her.

"Tell me you didn't. God, you did. You finally maneuvered him into bed."

"I wouldn't say 'maneuvered' exactly." He walked past her into the living room, where they sat on the floor in her sunny corner. Couldn't he at least stop with the grinning?

She shook her head. _Here we go again._ "You never change, Enju-kun. But I have to admit I'm surprised he went for it. He seems so 'oh, I'm a lady's man.'"

Enju-kun wasn't smiling now. "I'm sorry," he said after a moment.

"Oh my God, don't pity _me_! I'm just not looking forward to picking up the pieces again, when he breaks your heart-- _again_."

He was watching her. "Shu, are we still friends, I mean best friends, like we used to be?"

"On the Moon? You were easier to deal with when you were a woman." She crossed her arms and slumped back against her screen door.

"I meant, before we tried dating?"

"You're asking me if I'm all eternally hung up on you like you are on Ogura?"

He looked away. "Are you?"

"No." _Yes?_

 _No?_

After five years...

Eventful years, but if she was being honest with herself, had her life moved at all?

Her throat was tight. She looked straight ahead so she wouldn't have to see him. "It's just not fair. Pardon me if that sounds lame, but it's not. I've lived two lives, and I've never been lucky in love--or it's not even a question of lucky. I haven't even gotten within... visual distance of even knowing anyone I could fall in love with. Except you--and that is not the same as saying I'm hung up on you." She lifted a warning finger at him. "It's just--you're as close as it's ever come. And I pretend I'm happy just casually dating. And I like casual dating. I like guys to notice me, to want me. But it's not the same as... as having someone. And, damn, all the guys I meet are so stupid. Big, dumb apes--like Ogura. Maybe that's why I liked you; you're not really a guy."

"Um--thanks?"

She sniffed and laughed, but when she glanced at him, he still wasn't smiling. He looked lost in thought, staring past her.

"You know," she said softly, "I can't believe I'm going to say this but--sometimes--I envy you, just for feeling what you do for Ogura. Even though he's always going to hurt you. At least, it's like... you love him enough that you don't care."

"Yes, that's exactly what it's like." After a moment he added, "I've been a bad friend to you. I am sorry, and that's not pity; it's guilt."

She wiped her nose. "No, you haven't been a bad friend."

"Yes, I let us drift apart because... because I was uncomfortable with... things. And I've never paid enough attention to your feelings."

"Doesn't matter." She leaned her head back against the door. "You can pay all the attention to you want. It's not going to change things."

Several seconds passed in silence. At last he said, "I can't think of anything to say that will make you feel better."

She turned to gaze at him. "Are you happy, Enju-kun?"

"How can I be happy when you're miserable!"

"I'm not 'miserable.' I'm just not doing back flips about my life. But, okay, assume I was totally happy... Are you happy?"

He sighed and his whole body slumped. "I am. For the first time since the dreams started. I feel like... like I've spent my life swimming through a stormy ocean--and suddenly I'm on dry land. In the sun. And my soul just wants to sleep."

"Sounds kind of like death... or getting laid, one or the other."

He drew himself upright again. "It's a resting point. It's... the sun between storms. There are going to be more storms; I know that. But we need to rest sometimes, if we're going to keep swimming."

"I had one of those-- those sunny points. When we were going out."

He moved to her side and took her hand. And she wasn't sure whether she liked that or not. "I love you so much, Shusuran. I don't love you less than I love him. I just--"

"Think of me as a sister? That's the oldest one in the book."

"I don't think of you the way I think of my sister. You're just you."

She leaned against his shoulder. "I've gotta get out of here," she said. "Let's get out and forget all this crap."

* * *

They went to a movie, a comedy, which was okay. Better than okay. By the time they got out, things seemed less dire. They went out to dinner.

"So are you two dating now?" Sakura asked. It was easier to talk about than before, like she'd already gotten used to it.

Enju-kun looked down in that shy way. "No. It's nothing like that. We're just playing it by ear."

"I don't believe this. So he's still seeing other women--I mean, women?"

He cracked a smile. "Well, not right now. He just broke up with his girlfriend. But I'm sure he will."

"You really do just take it lying down, don't you?" The innuendo was calculated, but he looked her in the eye without the slightest blush. The old Enju wouldn't have done that--well, not most days.

"You know, Shu--" He set his chopsticks aside and looked at her closer. "I've been thinking about what you said, that you didn't have someone. That's not true: you have me."

"I meant as a lover, dingbat."

"I know what you meant, but you know what I think--?"

"I have a feeling I'm going to."

"I think our society--and our old planet too--puts too much emphasis on sex in relationships. Like the primary person you share your life with has to be the one you want to have sex with."

She did her best to look more interested in her ramen than what he was saying. "Well, yeah, like you want Ogura, like Ogura wants Alice, like Alice and Rin-kun have each other. That's the way life is."

"Alice--you're going to think this is just wishful thinking, but it's not--Alice is not the primary person in Jinpachi's life. I am."

She glanced up at him; he was staring at her point blank.

"You're saying he's not in love with her anymore?"

"Oh, he's still in love with her; he probably always will be. But she's barely in his life. I'm the one who's in his life."

"Well, you're not 'the one' in my life. You can't be two places at once. You can't live in two cities at once." She leaned back in her chair and gave a half-laugh. "You know, when we were on the Moon, we could really be close, you and I. Because as obsessed as you were with Gyokuran, we all lived together. We saw each other every day, so yeah, we could be close to people without being married to them and living in the same house with them--it was like in a college dorm. But you can't tell me we still have that."

He smiled slightly. "Maybe the seven of us should form a commune."

"Sarjarim defend us!"

They both laughed, but it was strained.

She shook her head. "As much as you want to be there for me, you can't be there every day that way. You can't live in two places--and he comes first."

Enju-kun was looking down at his bowl. "You're... kind of right," he said finally. "I think he comes first because he's so hard to hold on to. And it sounds horrible, but I have more faith that you'll still be there. I guess I take you for granted more."

"No kidding. Really?"

After a moment, he said, "You ever think about moving to Tokyo?"

 _I can't move to Tokyo. Then Hiragi would be all alone here._ The thought surprised her. She attended to her ramen. "What, so we could all be neighbors?"

"We'd be closer."

"I have my job in Kawasaki. My parents."

He nodded. "Okay. But I am here for you. Like you've always been here for me. I don't want to lose you."

Across the table, she took his hand. "I don't want to lose you either." _But I need a life of my own._

* * *

When she told him, Daisuke didn't quite smile, but she thought she could feel one behind his eyes. "My word," he mused, "the more things change..."

Sakura tossed her head. "That's basically what I said, only I didn't say 'my word' because that would sound lame."

They were facing each other, straddling a low stone wall in a nice little touristy courtyard, the sun pouring down. Moments in the sun, like Enju-kun had said.

"So are they happy together?" asked Daisuke.

"Oh, how should I know? What even constitutes 'together' with those two. All I can say I can for sure is that a couple of lifetimes don't seem to be able to pry them apart. Issei is happy--or he thinks he is."

"Well, I hope it works out."

Sakura huffed.

Daisuke eyed her, just for a moment. "You kind of... still want to date him, don't you?"

"Why does everyone think that?" Sakura burst out. "I swear, it's the same thing, over and over."

"Wait. Which 'everyone' is this?"

"My boyfriends! Every time I try to get beyond just dancing and bar-hopping and movies and just talk about my life just a little bit, and I say, 'Well, I have this gay best friend,' and they give me these knowing looks and say, 'Oh, I see; it's like that, huh?' And I want to scream, 'No, you don't see! You don't have the beginnings of a clue.'" She clenched her fists and growled in frustration.

After a moment, Daisuke said, "That's why I don't tell people about my life."

"Is it?"

"I figure it's a lost cause. We have better conversations just talking about work or politics or TV."

She put her hands on her hips. "Oh my God. You watch TV?"

He flashed a glance at her and smiled, and all at once, her heart sped up. That had been happening a lot these past few days.

"Daisuke?" Well, why not say it? "Have you ever thought about us?"

"Us?"

Was he just pretending to be that obtuse?

She tossed her head again, casually, she hoped. "You know... us."

He looked down at his hands. "Well, yeah. I guess it would be impossible not to with the seven of us sharing all this... weirdness we share. And only two of you are women, and one of you's taken."

"Getting insulting."

"And even if she wasn't taken, please slap me in the face the day I tell you I'm in love with Mokuren."

Sakura raised her hand menacingly.

"I'm not, I swear," Daisuke laughed.

"Better not be. Better not be in love with Ogura either."

He was still laughing. "Innocent on all charges."

That's what he was, she reflected. He was innocent. He was so outside all this mess the rest of them were caught up in. Did she really want to drag him in--just because she was lonely?

"So... us?" she prompted.

"Well, we don't really feel that way about each other. Do we?"

She sighed. "No." It was true. "But I think sometimes... we're all we've got, you know?"

"What's that you were saying about insults?"

 _It's nice here in the sun,_ she thought. _It's easy to be with him. Because there isn't all that epic passion stuff. We're just friends... kind of like Enju and I used to be before... before she became the person who gave my life meaning._ Because she had been, even back on the Moon.

"Sakura?"

She shook herself back to the present. "What I mean is, we get along. We don't have to lie to each other about our crazy past. Maybe we could just think about if... maybe we might have a future, not as mega-romance or anything, but maybe--I don't know--maybe being roommates? I mean housemates." She'd thought she'd worked this out, but now she was saying it, she had no idea what she was actually trying to say.

"You want to move in together?"

She shrugged.

"But not date?"

She shrugged again. "I don't really see it going anywhere, but there's no law that says we couldn't try." He really wasn't a bad-looking guy. He was--to be blunt--a lot better looking than Hiragi. But maybe that was just because he was younger. "I mean, if you wanted to try. I know you must be pretty busy with the photosynthetic outputs and all that chatting about TV."

"Well, not at the moment."

"We could always... try kissing. Oh man, it's like being back in junior high."

Thankfully, he just leaned in and kissed her--lightly but not rushed. Not bad. His lips felt human. _Well, what did you expect, Sakura? Plastic?_ Their knees were touching as they sat on the wall in the sun. _Sunny moment._

"That was nice," he said.

"Yeah. It's kind of... not a hassle."

"Verging on insulting."

"Kind of scared not to," she said truthfully. "I don't want to give the impression that this is more serious than it can be."

He nodded. "I agree."

* * *

Sakura wondered if she should be surprised that they were in bed together within a week. On the one hand: heck of a weird idea. On the other hand--let's be honest--they were both needy. All her boyfriends bored her, and he hadn't been out with anyone in over two years.

She was surprised she enjoyed it so much. Because... her with _Hiragi_?

Then again, why be surprised? He was cute, nice, and even if he'd barely gotten any action in this lifetime, he still had a whole past life of marital experience to call on.

Afterward, he lay with his head between her breasts, and it was comfortable--strange it was so comfortable.

And then she got scared.

Did this mean they were going out? She didn't want to go out with him. She didn't want that pressure of being supposed to feel... all those things she didn't feel for him.

"Daisuke, this is friend-sex, right? No strings, no commitments?"

He stirred against her. "Yeah, I think that's how we'd better play it."

Now that made her feel insulted. Yes, it was what she wanted... but couldn't he be hung up on her just a little? Did all her guy friends have to be "just friends"? _Enju-kun loves me but doesn't want me. Daisuke wants me but doesn't love me. My life is like a bad comedy._ She took a breath. _Come on, Sakura, stop getting upset just because he's giving you what you asked for._

Daisuke got up on his elbow to look at her. "But I think--I'd like to think about moving in together. Like you said, as housemates."

"And sleep together?"

"Maybe. Sure, if we want. But no obligation. And we could always date other people, right?" He grinned. "Well, you could; I don't really."

She peered at him. "My dates might have a hard time understanding us living and sleeping together."

"Well, if you want to date someone--and we are sleeping together--we could always stop. And I don't suppose you'd put up with someone who'd have a problem with you having a male housemate."

She laughed. "You make it sound so totally simple. You'd just stop sleeping with me--and you wouldn't mind. I'm not saying I'm so hot," she hastened to add, "but when you're in that kind of relationship..."

He rolled onto his back and sighed. "You're right. It could get messy. Emotions always are." He was silent for a moment. "Yeah, so maybe we shouldn't."

So that was it? No fighting to be with her at all? "Hang on, I'm not saying it's a bad idea. I'm just saying let's not be stupid."

He gave her a quirky half smiled and brushed a strand of hair from her forehead. "By all means, let's not be stupid."

It _could_ work; she had to believe that. She kissed his cheek. What would Enju-kun say? About their being housemates, probably nothing. _"Good idea."_ About the sex? Well, she didn't have to tell him about the sex. Sakura was entitled to her own life, after all. Her own secrets.

And part of her wanted to know... with all that power-of-empathy and all those claims to love her so much, would he even notice?


	4. I Am Not What I Was

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Does Alice have to Mokuren?

**1999 [Alice is 24.]**

Alice's friend, Keiko, from work had invited her to open mic night. "You sing so beautifully to the plants," she'd said. "You'd be a splash. I bet you could have a career."

Rin said that too. He said her voice was an angel's.

"That sounds nice," Alice had said. "But I'm not really a performer."

"Come on! All you'd have to do is what you always do--just in front of people."

 _Yeah,_ thought Alice, _that's the point._

She told Keiko she'd think about it. She hadn't told anyone about the invitation.

That had been Monday. Now it was Wednesday afternoon, getting toward dinner time. She got off work early on Wednesdays, and Rin came over after school. And they had sex; it was a regular thing.

But her mind hadn't been on it today. She wondered if he'd noticed. She was looking out the window at the westering sun, warm and orange, caressing the Earth, while Rin lay beside her and kissed her shoulder, methodically and thoroughly, as if it were her most interesting part.

She drew him into her arms and kissed him. "You should be getting home. Your mother will want you for dinner."

"Yes, baby-sitter." He kissed her back deeply, then got out of bed.

If it had just been a question of him getting in trouble, she knew she'd have had a big argument. But since Alice was the one who'd get in trouble if people knew she was sleeping with a fifteen year old, he never pressed the point.

She gazed out the window again. She tried not to look at him too much naked. It was silly, but it made her feel like a bit of a pervert to be so turned on by such a young teen.

"Shower with me?" he asked.

She should... It would be nice, but... "Next time, okay, Rin-kun?"

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I--" Quick... excuse. "I'm just kind of tired. I think maybe I'm catching a cold. Oh, I hope I didn't give it to you."

He was staring at her, all beautiful and naked, with those piercing eyes. "I'll live," he said and disappeared into the bathroom.

Then it hit her. _Oh dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit. I told him I was getting sick--and that's exactly how Shion lost Mokuren._

She bolted up and followed him into the bathroom and held on to him in the shower. He held her too and didn't say anything. But when he was leaving, he glanced at her again, frowning with those hard, too-penetrating eyes.

* * *

When he was gone, she turned back to the window and watched the sun sink red behind the skyscrapers. She missed Hokkaido. She longed for the day she and Rin could move to the country.

Or did she have a duty to be a big singer?

Of course, if you were big enough, you could make enough money for a second house in the country. Could she be that big? Could she be a superstar?

Mokuren could have been if she'd lived in a city. She was a star to the people close to her. To the people on the Moon. That was Mokuren. A superstar.

She didn't want to be Mokuren.

Did anyone really understand that?

Did anyone else really want to leave their old life behind?

Stilling a shaking hand, she got out her address book and copied out a phone number, one she'd hardly ever used. She punched it in and got an answering machine.

"Haruhiko? This is Alice. I--I just--I thought I'd say hi. And--and maybe you'd like to have lunch sometime." But not with Rin; that would be scary. "I--uh--Rin-kun has school, you know. But I can get Wednesdays off with a little notice. Um, let me know, okay?" She left her number and hung up.

She hated answering machines!

* * *

He called her back a couple of hours later, sounding flustered.

"It would be great to see you some Wednesday," he said shyly.

"Is that a good day for you?"

"It's fine. I work out of the house, so my schedule is pretty much my own."

"Oh, good." She bit her lip. "Um, next Wednesday--or is that too soon?"

"No, that's fine."

"Oh, good." She couldn't for the life of her think of anything else to say.

"Uh, where...?"

"Oh, um, is there a restaurant you like?"

He suggested one. She didn't register the name but scribbled down the address--he lived in Chiba now--and got off the phone as quickly as she could.

* * *

It surprised her and worried her how deeply she wished she didn't have to tell Rin. They were a couple; they ought to share everything. Relationships were based on honesty, right?

But if she was being honest with herself, she had to admit that the clincher wasn't her upstanding nature but the fact that, since she'd be out of town, she'd have to break off their Wednesday date. So he had to know. He already knew something was going on.

He just knew too much sometimes.

She told him when he came by after dinner the next day. But he knew before she said a word: she could see it in the way he kept glancing at her while pretending to do his homework. He didn't know _what_ , but he knew.

She sat opposite him at the table. "Rin-kun?"

He put down his pencil and looked at her gravely.

"Next Wednesday, I'm going to have lunch with Haruhiko."

He gave her that measuring stare. "Alice, did I do something?"

He still sounded like a little kid when he said things like that. She moved to the chair by his side and hugged him. "No, it's nothing. You haven't done anything. I just-- I just--" She had no idea how to proceed. "Keiko was saying I could be a great singer."

"You are a great singer."

"She was saying I should consider performing."

He brushed her hair back from her face. "You could you know. I wish you'd believe that."

"No, I can't. I hate being watched."

"Alice," he said, in his very quiet, very grown-up voice, "Everything that Mokuren could do, you can do. You've already done it; it's already you. You're a born leader. You lead people's hearts without even trying, without even realizing you're doing it."

"No." She got to her feet. "Stop trying to turn me into Mokuren. You always do that; you've been doing it for years."

"I'm not turning you into anything! You are Mokuren. I didn't make that up!" He was almost shouting. He stopped short and took a deep breath. "You're just Mokuren a little further on in the lifetime of her soul, with new experiences and some different genes. You've changed; we all change, but you can't just stop being who you are because you're afraid of the responsibility."

What if he was right? What if ever since she had that first dream, she'd just been shirking her responsibilities? What Sarjarim needed her? What if she was born to be an emissary to the goddess on Earth and all she did was putter in a greenhouse?

"I have a right to be who I want to be," she squeaked in a voice not nearly as authoritative as she'd intended. "Stop telling me who I can and can't be."

To punctuate her point, she banged out the back door onto the terrace, her plants trembling and itching at her distress.

A second later, Rin banged through the door behind her. "You know what you are? A wimp. Like a little baby bunny. You accuse me of browbeating you? Maybe I do. Yes, maybe I have for years. And you know who'd never, ever take that from me? Mokuren. Never. Not once. Not in her heart. _She_ , she knew who she was. She didn't whine about how people were always telling she ought to be this or that."

 _But she wanted to,_ thought Alice.

"So maybe you're right: you're not her after all." He stalked off. From the apartment, she could hear him throwing his school books into his backpack, then a few seconds later, the slam of the front door.

She felt the tears well in her throat. _I should go after him. I should apologize. He didn't deserve those things I said._

But she didn't move.

Then, weirdly, the tears dried unshed. A calm descended over her. The half-Moon was bright, the plants behind her sighing in the falling dew. It would be all right. Rin was angry now, and she'd earned that anger. But he loved her; he'd forgive her. In the long-run, it wouldn't matter.

What mattered was he was right about one thing: she was a wimp. She was twenty-four, and she faced this world like a timid little girl. It was partly fear of being Mokuren--and part the knowledge that she'd always had Rin to lean on, that she always would.

But in her heart--as he said--her most important task was to know herself: who she wanted to be. Who she could be.

* * *

Lunch with Haruhiko began with idle pleasantries punctuated by silence. Nice restaurant. Fairly upscale. Private rooms. Alice figured that was good if you were going to start talking about past lives.

She kept stealing glances at him. He looked older than he should. His face was thinner than the last time she'd seen him. And that was when? ... way back in college. They'd met Issei and Sakura at a street festival.

"How's Rin-kun?" he asked, breaking one of the awkward pauses.

"He's fine. He's at school." That was obvious... unless he'd sneaked out of school to watch them.

No, he wouldn't. Cut classes certainly, but not spy on her. He was above that. How could she even have thought such a thing?

"He must find it really boring," said Haruhiko.

"Huh?"

"School."

Alice smiled. "Yeah. But he says it's either stick it out or tell the world he's a child genius, which means he'd get all kinds of publicity. And..." And people would find out he's dating a twenty-four year old.

"And publicity's one thing none of us needs," Haruhiko finished for her.

"Yeah."

He looked down. "So, um, he must feel a bit weird about us having lunch."

"He didn't say anything about it," said Alice, feeling her face go red. "I think he just--he was worried I had things on my mind."

He looked up again out of that dark face that was so much like Shion's but nothing like Shion. "You want to talk about it?"

Alice heaved a sigh of relief. _Yes, please, let's get past all this small talk._

But, of course, now that he'd asked, she didn't know what to say. He waited while she fumbled. She stared down at her bowl and thought, _Pretty crimson lacquer. Pretty polished table. The two of us sitting here, with something I needed to say to him..._

"Do you... feel like Shukaido?"

"What do you mean?" he asked warily.

She'd said it all wrong. Now he thought she was asking about his feelings for her. "I mean, do you feel like you still are Shukaido--or just Kasama Haruhiko?"

He didn't say anything. After a few seconds, she looked up to see him staring past her. "I suppose..." he began, then shook his head. "You know how sometimes something huge happens in someone's life--like a conversion experience--and they totally change? Like," he gave a little laugh, "this is going to sound utterly conceited, but I just mean it as a very rough analogy--you know how Gautama became the Buddha? And he left behind his estate, all his money and family and so on and became a mendicant? I guess I'm the same person in the way he was." He smiled shyly. "But, you know, not all holy and enlightened."

That explanation bothered Alice. She understood it; she didn't think it was conceited. But she didn't like what it said about how much Shukaido had suffered over... what he'd done to Shion--of course, he _should_ feel guilty about that. But she didn't like that it all came down to her. To Mokuren. Mokuren destroying people's lives, simply by being Mokuren.

But there was nothing she could do about his pain, his guilt. That wasn't why she'd come here.

"So, it sounds like you think we are the same people... just at a different point in life--or lives, I guess?"

"I don't know. I think... I don't actually know most of you... most of us very well in this life. But I think it's probably different for each of us. From what I've seen, Shusuran--Sakura, I should say--seems a lot like Shusuran. But I get the feeling that Daisuke is quite different from Hiragi--"

"Really?"

"Well, maybe it's just that my strongest memories of Hiragi are all mixed up with war and plagues and crisis--but Daisuke seems much calmer--like Hiragi on an extended emotional vacation."

Alice giggled, and Haruhiko smiled at her.

"I think," he went on, "for some of us it's a lot like the same life; for others, we are radically changed. If you want a scientific breakdown, as much as that's possible, one thing that's certain is we have different genes--and that will almost certainly mean different personalities. But we also have similar physiological traits because we retained at least a degree of our powers. I think most of us have most of our old memories now, and that makes us the same people in a way. Because what's a person if not an accumulation of experience?" He stopped. "Am I helping at all?"

"Yes." Although she wasn't quite sure how. "I'm just trying to figure out... do I have to be Mokuren?"

He hesitated. "I think you have to be the person who arises from what Mokuren was."

"Mokuren hated being worshipped," said Alice without thinking.

Haruhiko looked at his plate.

Alice plunged on. "She didn't think about it much in those terms. She was so used to it; it seemed inevitable. But it was always there, weighing. Everybody expected her to be perfect. Everybody expected her to be beautiful and noble and good and wise and--and sing and talk to the plants and explain how to love the Earth and--and be close to the heart of Sarjarim. And everyone thought she was wonderful, even _Enju_ thought she was wonderful. It was like--it was like living life on a stage with a bright light shining down that never, ever turned off."

"Oh God," said Haruhiko, "I was one of those worshippers."

"No, I--I didn't mean..." She trailed off. She wanted to tell him it was all okay; it wasn't his fault. But that would be a lie. What he'd done to Shion... And he'd hurt her too, even before the plague. With those adoring looks, one more set of expectations she had to live up to.

He glanced up at her. "And you don't want to be worshipped again."

"I just want a quiet life in the country. Is that wrong?"

"Of course not."

"Are you sure? Haruhiko?" She swallowed. "What if Sarjarim created me to be that kind of leader? What if that's why she sent me here? To protect the Earth on the Earth itself? To do--I don't know--great things."

He took a long breath. Laughed breathlessly. Drank his tea. "The only answer I have is imperfect."

"Okay."

"I think--in general--living a good life comes from living in harmony with what you truly want to do. If you're always pushing yourself to do things that... feel uncomfortable, unrewarding, you may do a great deal of good, but eventually you'll resent doing it." He paused. "On the other hand, sometimes the only way to do good is to force yourself to do something or accept something that you don't like, so... So much for my words of wisdom."

To her own surprise, Alice laughed.

"But--" He stopped and frowned at his tea.

"Is it okay?" She nodded at his cup.

"Yeah, I think it's just a bit caffeiney. Do you believe in karma?"

She wasn't sure how to answer that. "Well, I guess I believe in reincarnation." She smirked, then asked more seriously, "Do you think we were sent back to live out the consequences of our past lives?"

He nodded. "Yes, I think so."

"So I am being punished or rewarded?"

"With your quiet family and quiet life--no one demanding that you be perfect--Alice, aren't you being rewarded? Whatever sins could Sarjarim possibly find to punish you for?"

Tears pricked at her eyes. She could think of things, not things she could easily put into words. She'd--Mokuren had been the center of so much conflict. Shion and Shukaido and Gyokuran: they'd all been friends before they met her. She'd destroyed those friendships.

"Sorry," Haruhiko said. "That sounded kind of worshipful, didn't it?"

It did. Maybe that's why it hurt so much. "I'm not that good. But maybe I've done okay. I don't know. In my heart, I can't imagine I'm supposed to be a 'great' person in this life. No one really expects me to be, except people who knew Mokuren. And, well, mainly Rin-kun. I mean, he's very supportive; he just wants me to fulfill my potential. But... my brother sure doesn't think I'm anything special."

He smiled. "Well, there you go: it's in the eye of the beholder."

For a moment, neither spoke.

"Alice, I think you know what you want to do. I... kind of feel like you're looking for someone to tell you it's okay to do it. And I can't--I can't make that decision for you. For your soul. But if you're listening to you heart, I can't think of any reason why you shouldn't follow it."

* * *

When she got home, she phoned Rin. This past week, they'd only talked over the phone, and only in clipped, mundane bits: mostly him making angry, transparent excuses for why he couldn't see her that day. And Alice had kept telling herself it would blow over--but if it didn't blow over soon, she'd start to doubt.

"How was your lunch?" he asked sullenly, without greeting her.

"We had a good talk," Alice said. "Haruhiko helped me figure some things out."

After a moment, he asked quietly, "Alice, do you still want to be with me?"

Alice's heart crunched up. He could be such a kid. And it was so absurdly easy for her to hurt his feelings. "Oh, Rin-kun, of course. Of course, I want to be with you. How could you ever doubt it?"

A pause. "Well, I'm not a very nice person."

"You're the best person I know!" She could feel the tears well up. "I'm sorry--I'm sorry I was nasty to you the last time you were here. I'm sorry we had that fight. I hate it."

Another silence. "You know I don't want to... make you do things you don't want. Right?"

"Of course, I know that. I know you just want me to be my true self, to be the best person I can be. I've always understood that. And you were right--right that I've been a big wimp. I need to learn to stand up for what I want out of this life. So I've made some decisions."

She paused momentously, but he didn't say anything.

So she went on, "I don't want to be a singer. I don't want to perform. I don't want to release CDs. I don't care if I have the most wonderful voice in the world--which I don't--I don't want to be famous. I don't want to have fans. I just want to go on working in a botanical garden or a nursery or something and just sing for you and the plants--and my friends."

"What else?"

"Hang on. Are you okay with that?"

"Doesn't matter. You said you'd made up your mind."

"I have but... I still want to know what you think."

She could hear him sigh. "You know what I think. I think you're wasting your talent." He hesitated. "But if you're that sure you'd be happier just working in a garden..." He trailed off; she waited, knowing more was coming. "I want you to be happy, Alice. And if you wake up one day and realize you want more, I guess you can change directions and go after it, right?"

"Yeah. Rin-kun?"

"Hm?"

"Would you be very, very disappointed with me if I never... lived up to your memories of Mokuren?"

"No! Alice, it's not like that--you do. You've always... in every important way, you are her. I see it every minute. I just... want the rest of the world to know how wonderful you are."

 _It's not that simple. You miss her. More than I miss Shion._ "Well, I don't want everyone to know I'm wonderful, okay?"

She heard a small laugh. "That's succinct. What else?"

"The other thing: it's not really a decision because you're equally involved, so it has to be joint decision, but when you're out of high school... or done with college or whatever, I want to move to the country. I want to move back to Hokkaido, in the country somewhere."

"Okay."

"I've really never felt very comfortable in Tokyo."

"Yeah, that's fine. I like living in the country too."

 _That's right: he--Shion--lived in the country with Lazlo. Maybe it would be good for him too to be out in the country again._

"Good. So that's okay? We're okay?"

"Yeah."

"Really?"

"You want me to sky write it?"

She laughed. "Would you?"

"Well, I would... but then everyone in Tokyo would see big, white cloud letters saying 'Alice and Rin are okay.'"

She was still giggling. "Good point. You'd better not."


	5. Making the Best of It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sakura's friendship with Issei takes a big hit.

**2000 [Our heroes are 25.]**

"This is nice place." Sakura peeked into the spare bedroom, saw a mattress and a couple of unpacked boxes. "Hey, Enju-kun?"

"Huh?" he called from the kitchen.

"You think maybe I could crash in your spare room sometimes if I'm in Tokyo?" That would be one way to get some space.

He appeared from round the corner. "Sure, that's what it's there for."

She scanned the layout of the rooms again. Simple, good use of space. "I'm impressed--you're only twenty-five and can afford a house."

He leaned against the wall. It made her smile--like he was announcing, "This is _my_ wall." He said, "You know, the other day, I made a frightening realization: of the seven of us, I make the most money--I mean far and away."

She sniffed as if the observation were beneath her. "And this frightens you?"

"It's just not what I expected. I never really thought about making good money. Enju never did, never thought much about it either. It's just weird, the way things work out: I ended up in robotics, and it boomed. I didn't plan it; I just fell into it, and here I am."

She crossed her arms. "Proud of yourself?"

"Yeah, I know you think I'm being conceited. But I just find it strange. My father always wanted me to be a financial success. I'm doing exactly what he wanted."

"That bug you?"

"It bugs me... that it's still not enough to please him. It bugs me that I care. I hoped when my sister told him about the house that he'd at least look impressed. According to her, nothing. Just the usual, 'How dare you disrespect me by talking to him?' His latest thing is telling her she needs to get married. I just want to say, 'Dammit, she's eighteen. Leave her alone.'" He took a deep breath. "Sorry."

"It's okay. I kind of like hearing you rip on him."

He barely smiled. "So tell me more about the semester in Singapore."

She hesitated.

"I bet Daisuke was excited to work with new algae, right? Bet you were more into the sight-seeing."

"We got married."

The seconds dripped by like water in slow-motion. "I'm sorry, what?"

"Yeah." She smiled guiltily. She should have told him a long time ago. "Just after we got home from Singapore."

Another silence. "Why?" he asked carefully.

She shrugged. "Not much choice."

"What the hell does that mean?"

She strolled past him nonchalantly, looking around. "Nice blinds." She nodded at the big window by the door.

"Screw the blinds."

She faced him. "Okay, look: you know he and I have been living together for the past two years."

"You mean _living together_ living together? I thought--I thought you were just friends."

His whole expression showed such consternation she almost laughed. _Yeah,_ she thought. _This is why I didn't tell him. This moment here. How petty._ But somehow the pettiness was irresistible. "And here I thought you were the empath, Enju-kun."

He looked past her, like he was running that idea over in his head. Yes, why didn't he know? How could his "best friend" delude him like that? Her own mere mortal powers of empathy told her they both had to be wondering that.

"You never told me," he said softly. "And don't pretend you thought I knew."

Okay, this wasn't fun anymore. _Be mature and fix things._ "Look, it's not simple." She sat on the floor and, looking groggy, he followed. "So let me just lay things out. Yes, we're married; yes, we've been sleeping together for the past couple of years--off and on. And, yes, we're 'just friends' too. We're not in love. We haven't committed to a monogamous marriage. It's just--well, not for show exactly--but for the social stability, you know, when we have kids."

"Kids?" he said faintly.

"Well, in a year or two. It's not like I'm pregnant or anything."

He was staring at the floor. "Do you love him?"

"In a way. He's nice and he's stable."

His flashed onto her, frowning. "You keep using that word. Since when do _you_ care about chaining your life to something _stable_?"

Anger flushed through her but she forced it back. She'd had a long time to think about this, but for him, after all, it was all new. "I care about stability since I lost a whole civilization in pig-stupid war, died of a plague, was reincarnated into a life where I can't have many real friends--people who understand; I can't share that life with my family... don't have much family, just my parents and two grandparents left. Bunch of stupid boyfriends... Always being Number 2 with my best friend."

"You're not--"

"Oh, shut it. I needed something to hold on to."

He was still frowning at her. "So you're scared, and he's there. Hell of a reason to get married."

"Oh, no. You do not get to lecture me on what makes healthy relationships."

He shook his head. "But you'll never be able to stand living with him _and_ working with him... and sleeping with him for the rest of your life. He'll bore you to death."

She glared. How dare he tell her... what was absolutely true. However far apart they'd grown, he still knew her. "Sure, we need our space. I'm actually looking for a new job. And as for the sleeping together... it's really very on-and-off. We have separate rooms. Right now, I have a pretty fun boyfriend."

"Yeah--um, Toji--so you really are seeing him?"

"Sure."

"And what does he think about your marriage?"

"Well, we met through a polyamory listserv."

"I'm losing my mind." Enju-kun hid his face in his hands. After a moment he looked up at her. "Why didn't you tell me?"

She hated the note of pure pain in his voice, hated herself for being such an immature little kid. "I just wanted something of my own."

"Something of your own? What does that mean? You can't tell me you're getting married because that makes it not your own?"

"I wanted to see if you'd figure it out. Because you know me so well with all your empathy." She let the steel creep into her voice.

"So it was just some stupid test? Some stupid two-year-long test?"

She made a slight shrug. "Gotta say, you failed."

"You bitch."

Her heart closed up. She became a little round stone, incapable of movement. The only way she could hold together was to stay very still and be that stone. But she owed him the truth. "I wanted to hurt you." The calm in her voice unnerved her.

"Well, no kidding. For choosing Jinpachi?"

She honestly hadn't thought of it that way but... "Yeah. No. Not anything against him... I guess I just wanted you to know how it feels to be left behind."

"Oh, I know how it feels to be left behind." He got up and went to the window, gazed out between the blinds--probably to avoid looking at her. "And now, I know how it feels when my best friend cuts me out of her life."

"I'm not your best friend," she said tiredly.

"Yeah, I got the message."

"I mean before. In this life--this whole life."

He turned and glared at her. "I keep telling you... how many times do I have to tell you, you _are_ as important to me as he is?"

She stood. "You can tell me till the day you fall into your grave. It doesn't make it true. I'd better go."

"Yes, I think you'd better."

She gathered up her things without looking at him and went out, wondering where her tears were.

* * *

She spent the rest of the day here and there, shopping, dancing in the evening. Why not? Her life was her own after all. When she got home, it was pretty late--about the time Daisuke went to bed. The light was off in his room.

Good.

She didn't need to be bothered with him now.

Except... she wanted someone to talk to. Wasn't that why she got together with him? To have someone to talk to?

She went up to his door. "Are you still awake?"

Silence.

"Daisuke, if you're not awake I'm going to stand here talking till I wake you up."

After a moment, she heard covers swish. Then the light went on. A second later, he slid back the door. "Yes?"

"I told Issei."

He folded his arms and leaned in the doorway. "Didn't go well?"

"Not exactly."

"Yeah, well, I could have told you you should have told him. Oh wait. I did."

"Mm-hm." The tears brimmed and her lip shook like a kid's. "Can you just not read me out right now?" He probably thought she was fishing for pity. Maybe she was. But when she moved into his arms, he held her.

"A big blow up, huh?" he asked.

"I think so."

"You'll make it up. You two always do."

She took a shuddering breath, glad of his hand rubbing over her back. "Daisuke, did we make a mistake?"

He hesitated, and the silence struck ice through her chest. "I think it's too early to tell."

She stepped back to look at him. He had that calm, mildly put-out half-frown and, as usual, wasn't meeting her eyes. "Does it bother you that I date other guys?"

"Sakura, let's not talk about this while I'm half asleep, okay?"

"Maybe that's the best time. It's a simple question."

"Okay. No. Why should it?" He moved back to close his door.

"You are such a transparent liar."

"Goodnight, Sakura." He slid the door shut.

That's it? He just shut her out? When she needed him? "And you're an emotionally retarded freak."

"Goodnight." The covers swished again.

Fine.

She went to her room, considered going to bed. But she wouldn't be able to sleep. And it wasn't that late... only late for freaks who got up at the crack of dawn to measure algal photosynthesis.

She phoned Toji. Maybe he'd take her mind off things. He answered on the fourth ring.

"Back from Tokyo," she told him. "You want to do something?"

"Hey, how about tomorrow? I've got my boyfriend over tonight."

 _How do I get myself into these situations? "Got my boyfriend over."_ Exactly what Enju-kun might say--if Sakura wasn't consummately careful not to call him when Ogura was around. She was right ninety percent of the time too. When had that become her art?

"Sure," she told Toji. "Tomorrow."

She flopped back on her bed and stared wide-eyed at the ceiling.

* * *

The next morning, Daisuke was gone by dawn as usual. Sakura had nothing to do till her job interview at 9:30, so she checked her e-mail. Spam, spam, old coworker, Papa... Daisuke? He slept down the hall, and he was e-mailing? When? 1:04 last night.

Was he telling her it was all over? Heart-pounding, she clicked...

 _Sakura,_

 _Sorry I was rude. I guess it's weird to e-mail about personal stuff, but I express myself better in writing._

 _About us, I don't mean to sound harsh, but I honestly don't know if things will work out. Maybe we'll grow together; maybe not. Most of the time, I feel like we're better together than apart. That's lukewarm, I know. But it is actually a good thing._

 _You said I was lying about not being bothered by you dating. Yeah, okay: it doesn't make me feel enormously sexy. But that's not your fault--or mine. We got into this knowing we aren't in love. We're making the best of what we have._

 _The truth is, what makes me peevish is the contrast. I miss being Hiragi. I miss my wife. I miss a life where I was lucky enough--miraculously lucky--to find a woman who loved me, who really wanted only *me*. And I didn't treat her well enough, like I'm probably not treating you well. But we were a real couple; I miss that._

 _I suppose I'll never have that in this life. My life is just too bizarre to fit with anyone else's like that. I guess you feel the same way. So there's us. I really do care about you a lot, and I know you care about me too. If that's enough, I guess we'll see._

 _Daisuke_

Sakura wiped her nose. _To think my life is so screwed up that a message like that makes me grateful._

* * *

She had lunch with Toji but begged off for the evening, saying she had plans with her husband.

When he got home, she swept him up in her arms.

"Good job interview?" he asked.

"It went fine." She grabbed his face and kissed him. "Thank you for the e-mail."

He gave her a crooked smile and shuffled off his coat. "You'd think it was some epic love letter."

"It was better. It was _so you_." She hugged him again. "I'm sorry I said such rude things to you. I don't know how I'd manage without you as my friend."

He drew back, frowning down at her at little. "Don't know what I'd do without you either."

"Please, let's never find out." She caressed his cheek. "Even if this marriage thing doesn't work, please let's not let it break up our friendship like..." She took a deep breath. "Let's just not."

* * *

Issei dumped his mail on the kitchen table. Bills. Ads. Letter. From Sakura. He hadn't spoken to her in the week since their fight. He didn't know what to say, didn't know what he felt. Maybe if he'd been able to talk to Jinpachi or his sister, he'd have worked it through. But Jinpachi was on that dig in India with that Indian professor lady he kept raving about. And Issei was going to be careful about contacting Kyoko until Father got over his monitoring-her-e-mail phase.

He kept his hands carefully steady as he opened Sakura's letter. It was handwritten, messy as usual, on lavender lined paper with purple kitties.

 _Dear Enju-kun,_

 _Daisuke gave me the idea of writing. By the way, he always said I should tell you about ~~us~~ him and me, so please don't take it out on him._

 _First off, I want to apologize. Not telling you was childish. It was vindictive. Maybe that means I've wrecked our friendship--either way, I'm sorry._

 _I figured something out, just since we talked: the root of all our trouble. (No seriously.) What hurts so much, what hurts us both, is that we can't be such close friends anymore. I mean, in this whole life: we can't be as close as Enju and Shusuran. It's not because you have Ogura and I'm all sad and lonely; it's true on both our sides. And it's not because we don't still love each other._

 _  
We just don't need each other as much.   
_

_Love is need. That's not selfish; it's reality. We love the things that keep our world from collapsing. On the Moon, we were all we had. You loved Gyokuran, but you didn't have him. Mostly, he just hurt you. I didn't have anyone but you. Everyone else was a sort-of friend, a colleague._

 _Now, I guess Ogura's being nicer to you--and that's great. And you have your sister, and I have my parents. We have other friends. I have Daisuke. It's like a geometric fact: our needs are spread around more. We don't have as much room for each other to fill. So we're not as close. I think in a way I've been mourning for that ever since I met you. Trying to pretend it wasn't true. But it is. And we're stuck with it, that's all._

 _I hope you'll forgive me. You're still my best friend. And I hope we can both find a way to be ~~best~~ as good friends as we can be, and be happy with that._

 _love, Sakura_

Issei sank down against against his fridge, the letter dangling in his hand, and sobbed till his head ached and his eyes were drained dry.

Then his brain started working, which was worse. Was it true? Had he lost her? Had she lost him? Was love always contingent on nearness, on need?

Did Jinpachi need him in India with the Indian Wonderwoman?

The tears came again, but only for a moment.

He should call Sakura. Should he? What would he say? _You're right: our friendship's doomed. From now on, let's just be acquaintances who get together for lunch a couple of times a year_? That wasn't actually so different from the way things were after they broke up.

But it had gotten better, hadn't it? Hadn't they been closer? Except that she was busy getting married to Daisuke, and Issei had never guessed.

 _She's right. I don't see her. It's the only explanation. I don't care the way I used to._

But he had to respond somehow. He couldn't let her think he'd just ignored her letter.

In the end, he wrote a brief note:

 _Dear Sakura,_

 _I'm glad you wrote. I don't know what else to say. I can't say I'm not still angry. But I'll get past it. Of course, I'm still your friend._

 _love, Issei_

He usually signed his letters "Enju," because that's what she called him. But he couldn't now. That friendship was over.

As an afterthought, he added, _P.S. Please tell Daisuke I'm not mad at him._ Of course, he was a little. Daisuke should have refused to play her game of keeping him in the dark. Wasn't Daisuke his friend too?

Was he?

Didn't matter. Sometimes, you were just polite and lied.


End file.
